


The Imperial Capital's Most Wanted

by CottonLegJoe



Series: The DutchMann Chronicles [2]
Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions, Splatoon, Xenoblade Chronicles
Genre: Ao3 draft deadlines, Chapter-by-chapter updates, Gen, Pseudo Soundtrack, Scottish Pokemon Trainer (Scotland), Slight Fourth Wall Breaks, Sorry for the weird censor @'s, too lazy to convert to doc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26627239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CottonLegJoe/pseuds/CottonLegJoe
Summary: What is the creature that the Imperial Capital, pride of the Bio**s, finds its Number One Undesirable? What creature could be considered so wicked to be ranked above heinous villains that attacked the fair Capital, and bended the very land underneath it? And to what ends would the citizens go to find it?Well, as of the first chapter, your options are Four, Marie, or Scottish Pokemon Trainer.(Man, I need to learn how to write a summary.)
Series: The DutchMann Chronicles [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929928





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, yes, I said I wouldn't write about JRPG characters, but hear me out: Strange Sword Stories (Yes that is the name I am using I don't wanna be sued)(Honestly that makes it even more suspicious and more likely to get me sued.) is a mix of traditional JRPG and Action RPG so I'm not technically writing about it so ha.
> 
> Wait, Scottish Pokemon Trainer appears in the second chapter, so I guess I am a filthy liar. 
> 
> (Chapter by Chapter updates are supposed to summon discussion, so kindly rip this thing to shreds pls.)  
> 
> 
> Also, if you're a scientist, don't get angry at me if I misinterpret something.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music Suggestions:  
> TheWho's Baba O'Riley.  
> 

*Freeze Frame**Record Scratch*

Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering who, where, what, when, why, and how I got myself into this situation. 

Of course you are, those are the literal most basic questions a being can ask about a situation they know nothing about. I mean, the who is obvious, well, less so than you may think.

And yes, it's me again, Agent Four, back in the flesh. Or in the flesh, seeing from when you're reading this. And I'm gonna have to stress the imagination factor again here, seeing as if you don't find enjoyment out of this, my multiverse of characters ceases to exist. So basically you're my Cthulu. And yes, I was paid by the writer narrator of this tale to say that, trust me, remember that order.

Ah, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I should probably sit down, this is gonna be a long tale. Actually, I shouldn't, because the planet I'm currently on is colliding with, lemme get a good look, ah! A nebula, two Red Dwarfs, and a Neutron Star, along with the rest of the known universe, at least mine.

Now that your most fundamental questions are sated, you're probably wondering how I got here. Well, it all started when some crazy ass bird and her army chased me to the end of the known multiverse and back for stealing her floating city. But I kinda needed the power supply to rescue my sister from the depths of hell. But that's for another time. Well, the universe collapsing actually started when I had a meetup with basically God, to negotiate some shit about the Infinity Stones! Well, they're more of concepts that govern the most fundamental aspects of the multiverse, but they have the same traits as the stones and are shaped like them. Which was kicked off by a session of meetings, which was kicked off by me throwing someone off of a cliff rather than jumping off of them..

As I said before, no getting ahead of ourselves. Now about that floating city...


	2. Chapter 1: Duly Noted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music Suggestions:  
> Xenoblade 2's Counterattack(Always great for writing)  
> Hans Zimmer's He's A Pirate (I mean come on could I make it more obvious that this chapter was a POTC parody?)(Even so, the song will not tell much about anyone's character or tone, but you should listen to the soundtrack daily anyway.)

"You wish to make the voyage to Hell itself." The Merchant inquired."But, I cannot fathom as to why. Power? Riches? To challenge the devil herself for the throne?"

"Something more altruistic." Four sternly said.

"Besides, it is folly." The Merchant sighed." There is only one power source that is capable of taking you to Hell, and it..."

The Merchant visibly shuddered.

"Just tell me what awaits my voyage." Four said. "And I'll throw in a bottle of rum to keep this between us."

The Merchant gulped.

"The Imperial Capital." The Merchant all but ached and howled at the name."Full of cruel, merciless, and powerful Avian kin. They live in a massive floating city, beyond the stars. And at it's core, you will find the generator needed. Break it open, and you will have your portal."

Four smirked and patted him on the back.

"Then I sneak in, take the bloody thing, get out, pish pash posh, and Bob's your Uncle." Four joked.

"It is attached to the core." The Merchant gulped."It can only be taken out in location by the Empress, the foulest, most powerful of them who..who...killed a heathen god.

"Then I sneak in, break the wench's neck, take the bloody thing, posh posh posh, and Mary's your Aunt." Four joked and patted, taking a swig of rum.

"Her right hand lady is a cruel duelist with mastery over the elements and incredibly powerful wingspan."The Merchant all but screamed.

"Then I sneak in, break both wench's necks, take the bloody thing, pish fish squid, and Escargo's your Estranged Great Uncle, twice removed." Four heartily joked, drinking more rum, then realizing that he specified wingspan for some reason.

"That's not even the worst of them." The Merchant inquired." One they adorn as a hero, swift, merciless to his enemies, impenetrable defenses, and his curses and spells are second to none. Do not take his short stature and stunted speech as means of weakness."

Four didn't even answer. He just rolled his eyes.

"So, what is your plan on dealing with all of that, plus the incredibly powerful and valuable technology?" The Merchant yelled.

It is at this point where Four gave a signature grin to the prospect of "valuable".

"Take me to your inventory." Four said. "I think I can handle myself against a few primitive birds."

* * *

"Well, shit." Four gasped.

The Imperial Capital was massive, to say the least, with massive towers pointing upwards, surrounded by a pantheon of floating islands.

"I can't tell if it's white because of paint, or bird shit." Four eeked.

Four, thankfully, had a quite the strange matter suit about him, so his body was thankfully not about to touch that. As he thanked the Lord, he brought about his telescope to get a good look at the residents.

"I see." Four said to himself."Humanoid in nature, except for the wings sticking out the backsides of their heads, dressed in over the top silver gowns. "My god, what a bunch of A-holes."

Four brought his disguise kit that cost him two cosmic doubloons and a multiversal piece of eight. In it, he had to type transitional art style, model size, and, of course, to fix the godforsaken oval head.

'And of course, the finisher." Four said with a smile, donning his strange hat with rubber wings."Oh boy, what a day."

He said this as he slid down the cliffside he was standing on to an island with vacant ships.

* * *

Four approached the city slowly and gracefully, his commandeered ship being a strange model. He found a landing bay seemingly on the outer perimeter of the glass that was keeping everyone from falling out.

Once he made port, he had to have some hands secure the ship inside, one of who would not stop asking questions.

"It's 15G to make port here." The man with noticeably larger wings than his comrades said."And your name."

"How about we make it 35G," Four offered, stealing his wallet while doing so."And we forget the name."

"Welcome back to the Capital, Imperial Citizen." the man quickly said, as he accepted Four's backhand money.

As they were walking away from each other, Four raised his eyebrow at how he was registered as "Imperial Citizen."

Four also noticed a massive crowd huddling towards the gallows, three men lined up to be hung.

"Duly noted." Four sighed. 

After walking around town, noting the beautiful sights like the gardens, giant escalator things, massive glass windows covering the entire city that looked like a massive safety hazard, and the tiny bar at the edge of town, Four chose the bar.

"Gimme your finest rum." Four lazily walked in."However much this can cover."

Four threw the stolen wallet at the barkeeper's face, who proceeded to pour Four a two liter chalice of it, handing back Four his wallet.

"This is the biggest size we have." the barkeeper sighed."130 G."

Four gave a grin akin to a child looking at a candy store.

He took his incredible beverage to the emptiest seat at the edge of the orange platform bulge thing that the bar was on and sat next to a girl who was blackout drunk and a guy who kept talking to her. Once Four sat down and took his first, and very large, gulp, the man went over to Four and said:

"Y'know where the *hic* money is? It's in exotic species people are gullible enough to *hic* pay to see. Like the Hode lair scam I ran. Attracted literally everyone out to see it! And that was only my most recent scam! They keep falling for it!"

"Duly noted." Four said, before the man passed out or died from alcohol poisoning, though miraculously not crushing his wingbones.

Four took this notion, drank the rest of his rum, and passed out.

* * *

"Testing, Four." Four's pocket said."This is Jones, do you copy?"

Four, of course, just woke up, right before the bar closes, with all of the other patrons blackout drunk.

"Yeah, yeah." Four said as he threw up.

As he looked up, he noticed the strange, green, haze like filter and foil for the stars above. He noted the pretty sight, and noted the prettier sight of the drunk barkeeper's rum supply, commandeering the biggest bottle.

"Alright." Four said to his earpiece."Where's the route to the core?"

"Go to the palace." Jones' earpiece said."And then take the leftmost teleporter, that should lead you to core maintenance."

Jones repeated this information to a drunk Four, who stifled his way into the massive palace gates. Once there, Four noted the strange architecture, what with the massive winged statue and the ancient tablet showing two titans fighting. Four then began to stifle to his right.

"What, no, I said your left!" Jones groaned.

"Oh, I thought you meant the city's left." Four drunkily(is that a word?) said.

Jones' face physically crunched up at that line.

Before Four headed out to the right teleporter, he observed the right teleporter keenly, before taking out a circular object, causing the whole thing to shut down.

Once this was done to Four's satisfaction, Four gestured his hands into a prayer stance, pointed it at the teleporter, then ran to the right teleporter, but not after dropping all of his effects into the water approaching the massive stone tablet.

Once there, all Four could see was a dark, metallic environment full of running lights and a pedestal that held a tiny purple orb no bigger than the object Four pulled out of the teleporter. Also two men in much more modest lab coats and a strange woman, at least to whatever standards of normalcy a bunch of bird people live by, wearing a velvet dress and boots with exposed thighs(?), wearing inspection glasses.

"My lady, if you don't reconsider locating the funds to the Engineering Directory, well, you see, even one of these four nodes here going down would tip the city sidew..." One of the engineers started.

"Ah, gentlemen, lady." Four said."As per decree of the Institution of the *hic*, I am here to inspect the core, so be a doll and move over."

As they obliged, Four could not but help the bewildered look on the scientist's faces, with the velvet one's face covered by an inspection mask. 

And that's when it hit him:his hat fell off and the disguise wore off. But, of course, it did not hit as hard as the brick to Four's head.

"Duly n..." Four said as he was consumed by unconsciousness.

* * *

"Oughh, my head." Four groaned as his massive hangover set in."Wha-what happened last night?"

His first reminder was a strange splash of a floating orb of water. His second was the two men bird things carrying him by the hands. His third was the noose they were approaching.

"Duly noted." Four whispered to himself as a familiar Man-Bird-Thing looked at him with awe and prospect.

"As per decree of the people of the Imperial Capital, the accused today stands with charges of impersonation of a government official, and attempting to steal the Imperial Capital's power source, thus is an act of treason." The guy with the obvious wig spouted out in the most British accent possible." As decreed by her majesty, Empress..

Four yelped incredibly loudly at this part. The man continued on as if nothing had happened.

"And her royal advisor, the defendant shall be sentenced to hang by the neck until dead."

And so it was. Four was brought to the wooden noose in the middle of town, and was fastened around the actual rope, above the moving platform. However, just as the hangman-bird-thing was to pull the lever, Four yelled at the top of his voice:

"I-I summon the right of Parley!"

The crowd immediately began to chat amongst themselves.

"Parley?" One of the more decorated ones in the crowd asked.

"It means that the one who summons the right has the right to speak to the captain or leader." The other decorated one with the book responded."And no harm may come to them until the Parley is complete."

"Damn muttonhead invented Parley?" The first one responded.

"That would be the French." Four said from above, met with widespread bewilderment.

"Do we even have that as a law?" One asked from the crowd.

"No." responded the most decorated soldier in the crowd, walking up to Four."But let's indulge him."

After that quelled the cheering and chants for Four's head to be removed, and the subsequent groans, Four responded with:

"Not you, you daft idiot...."

"Her." Four said, pointing to the palace's highest balcony. In which lay the one with the strange velvet dress from before, and a new face.

"Do you accept?" Four practically screamed.

After the two very tiny figures were done bickering, a very faint nod followed by a single finger raised was given.

"You have one hour to make it to the throne room." The hangman said.

"Duly noted." Four said back.

"And don't think you can escape. The city is on lockdown." The hangman added, pointing to the islands outside that grouped directly underneath the city.

"Duly noted." Four responded.

* * *

Of course, Four took his sweet time getting to the palace, first getting his effects back from the water, then going to retrieve his ship.

"Name?" The portmaster asked.

"Imperial Citizen." Four said in a hurry. 

"Left most." The portmaster pointed.

And sure enough, it was his ship. But Four took no heed to that, turned it on, and turned on an energy tow cable, attaching every other ship in the hold to it.

And only after that, did Four go back to the palace. But not before realizing he was being broadcast on a massive screen and grinning while he flipped everyone off. Also grabbing another one of those teleporter ball things as he went through the main teleport. Also noting the strange noises a certain barricaded wall made, so Four dropped a sticky explosive on it, away from everyone's sight, just in case.

* * *

"Of course, this was a massive waste of ti.."

Four's arrival seemed to cut off the velvet dressed one's sentence.

As the two bird ladies sat in an awkward silence, Four looked at their faces, deeply perplexed by the Empress' massive lips that took up 25% of her face. After stretching his own for reference, then smooshing up the rest of his face to match their polygons, the Empress finally broke the silence.

"Greetings, my name is..."

"Yes, I have heard of you, Empress Antique, and your lovely assistant Talco." Four brushed off.

While Talco seemed to be offended, stepping in and saying something about interruption of the Empress, the actual Empress halted her hand between her assassistant and Four, and brushed her off into the corner.

"Your sources are clearly..." Empress Antique said in another very English accent that made Four raise his eyebrows, before he took his strangely rectangular finger and put it over her massive mouth.

"Now, I'm gonna stop you right there." Four interrupted."I am a character with no previous development or character traits, therefore am fully molded by one author's intent. You, on the other hand, are the collaboration of multiple writers, plus the author of this story. Therefore, every line you say must be delicately crafted from this moment onward to maintain as much of the previous author's intent in the new one's story events. Meaning you will barely get any lines, so shut it."

"That still doesn't answer why you won't call us by our names." Argued Ty..

"Talco." Four interrupted. "And that is because all of our properties are under copyright by the big N. No matter how much this site claims to defend its fanworks, in essence, this form of storytelling is illegal. When the day comes that this site's judgement day arrives, I would like to stay on the other side of copyright claim, as if we do not, this multiverse will be taken down, and all of our existences will have never even happened, as no reader-imaginer is there to interpret us and give us "life". Savvy?"

Once the two birds were shut up by this existential notion, Four shook it off, and began analyzing the two in their polygonal glory. Meanwhile Empress Antique began spouting some nonsense Four didn't mind and neither should you, because it's probably inaccurate to the character. 

When Four got to the Empress' Bonnet, he began to ask questions.

"Your wings." Four inquired."They're short."

Before she could respond, Four began his monologue.

"You look only slightly younger than your assistant, and yet she has the far larger wings. Meaning wings don't grow with age." Four inquired further."Of course, normally past that, this would be a sign of racial superiority, but natural beauty laws say the opposite. Judging that the larger winged ones were, at a time, the superior ones, a distinct lack of them from what I have seen today implies that there was either forceful expulsion, which, judging from your assistant, it wasn't, or some outside force that somehow managed to massacre a large number of these people."

The Empress' face began to change. Four took note of this.

"And your youth." Four inquired further." And the fact that you're female. In a monarchial, perhaps even feudal society such as this, for you to have this level of power would imply that something happened to a male heir. And you're so young, it practically guarantees that the previous monarch had an untimely demise."

The Empress' face began to change further. Four took even more note of this.

"And judging by your reaction, there are certain societal norms and phobias in here." Four inquired even further."Which means you and your assistant can't possibly be in a relationship, especially with need to make a male heir. So you're unmarried."

Four walked around the Empress, keenly looking at any expression change or hint that may throw his case on or off.

"My source said of one warrior with short stature and strange characteristics and speech." Four inquired as far as he could go."Implying that different sentient species inhabit this hunk of land. And, seeing as there are those here with strangely shaped ears, my guess is there is some breeding with some other species."

The Empress' face shot red at that notion. Four cracked a high grin.

"I see." Four said."So there is interspecies breeding here. That makes no sense, as different species are blocked from breeding with one another. However, your evolutionary rules are different, or maybe you and them are not so different. But I see past that. You don't just have them live here, you pine for one..."

"I no longer wish to be a part of this conversation." The Empress answered in a cool manner."T****, you may do with him as you wish."

Four raised his eyebrow at this notion, but then let it slide.

"How did you do that?" Jones, from Four's forgotten earpiece, asked as Ms. Antique and Talco switched places.

"I don't know!" Four responded."I just took a look at the city norms and made some shit up!"

Once the assistant and Four made eye contact, Four, of course, began to analyze her appearance, before she elbowed Four, who stammered off and sat on the throne, cross legged.

"Oh, you can talk freely, by the way." Four confirmed."While, yes, you are in the same case as your Empress, you're a side character who only barely appears halfway through the story, yammers off, comes back in some random sidequest, then again in some random Epilogue whose existence, combined with your current appearance, does not add up, already breaking the established rules. Your character involves being depressed and being angry. You aren't exactly complex.

"I do not need your permission to speak." Talco spat out, but elegantly like. "Congratulations, you managed to get everything about the Empress wrong.

"Judging from her reaction.."Four started."I'd wager not, love."

"Oh, cease your pleasantries." Talco demanded."Now I will ask you a question, and you will answer: What is your purpose here, you disgusting slimy specimen?"

"Under oath to tell the truth and nothing but the truth," Four jumped up and started."I am here to steal the energy core of your city so as to save my sister from Hell, and along the way commandeer your technology so as to sell at an enormous markup, buy a lifetime supply of rum and my own ship so as to sail the cosmos to steal, plunder, and pillage my weasely black guts out."

Talco just looked annoyed, while the Empress looked slightly confused.

"If that is your aim, you're mistaken." Talco responded in another British accent." We saw your vandalization of our ships, so if your aim is to steal them, I repeat, you are mistaken, unless you manage to get through the storage at maximum security."

Four just grinned at this notion.

"Duly noted." He responded.

"And you are not getting to the core." Talco added."The core is attached to the city, and only those with royal blood may retrieve it."

"Oh, you mean this?" Four asked, bringing out a strangely painted orb.

Both Talco's and Ms. Antique's jaws hit the floor as they assumed their surprised positions.

"Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves now." Four said, sitting back down on the throne. "The parley's over, anyway."

Talco took the alleged core.

"You will still face the gallows." Talco reminded.

"I know." Four responded, handing her a piece of paper."So here's my last will and testament, to be read aloud."

* * *

"You know we can't trust him, right?" Talco reminded the Empress."Don't let his words get to you. Clearly, he doesn't know what he's talking about."

The Empress just stood silent and pondered, handing the alleged core to an Imperial Guard to take to the core vault.

"You can't actually think that's the core." Talco persisted."Please, M..."

Of course, this was interrupted by two heavily armed guards running after Four who immediately put his hand over Talco's mouth.

* * *

Four's Four experiences in the city include:

1\. Drinking at a bar

2\. Being shipped off to a noose

3\. Parley with the bird ladies

"And I will not let number Four be the noose once more." Four winked.

As Four began to ship out to the gallows once more, the manager of a nearby stand, kitted in a yellow tux, asked the men to stop.

"I must say, kind strange creature, I have to thank you!" The familiar stranger said. "I advertised the hanging of a fish person, and the whole of the Capital came out to see!"

"The whole of the capital, you say?" Four asked."If so, then it must be I who thanks you."

And with that, Four was once again restrained by the two gentlemen previously restraining him.

Until, of course, he was brought to a familiarly decorated soldier.

"Let's see here." The well decorated soldier said."A flintlock pistol that has wet gunpowder, a rusty sword that..."

As he observed the sword, he noticed that there was a crease in the blade that allowed it to be turned into a double bladed sword.

"Are you a child?" The soldier yelled, as he dug the sword deep into the ground of the city.

"And don't forget that orb thing." Four reminded."That's my way home."

"Oh, is it now?" The well decorated man inquired rhetorically, before opening a window and chucking it out of the city. "You're clearly a loony from the colonies. I'll have them hear about you."

"Duly noted." Four answered as he made a massive smile as the men carried him once more to the gallows.

"Why do you always say that?" The soldier, who is decorated, asked.

"As decreed by the Capital and her Majesty, Empress..." The same guy with the same wig with the same British accent started.

"Antique!" Four yelled at the top of his lungs(?).

"The defendant is to be found guilty of charges of robbery of a government office." The British wig guy finished."The punishment shall remain still to be to hang by the neck until dead. Lady..."

"Talco!" Four yelled again.

", If you could read this one's last will and testament."

Of course, Talco obliged, and, (you can figure out when it starts), in a confused tone, recited:

"Let no joyful voice be heard. Let no man look up at the sky with hope. And let this day be cursed, by we who ready to wake..."

"The Kraken." Four whispered to himself, as he turned on the bomb located at the growling wall.

* * *

"T-the core's still here!" The poor guard who had to carry the fake core all the way there said.

But not before the fake core grew attached to the real core, opted a "RUN" message to the guard, and started to let loose a timer.

* * *

"It-It's Te.."

"Dinobeast." Four yelled at everyone as he untied himself."DI-NO-BEAST."

"Actually, I think that's copyrighted." Jones responded.

"Well then what the fuck isn't?" Four asked.

After untying himself, Four made a mad dash for his sword, but not before blowing his second bomb near the core.

It was small, but it was enough. The bomb managed to short circuit 3/4ths of the floatation device keeping the city, well, afloat.

And so it tipped over. 

Combined with the massive holes the escaping, uh, things, caused, with the sideways city, every citizen in the Capital fell out almost immediately into the sea below, well, except...

"Oi." Four said to the man hanging on his sword alongside him. "My pistol."

He grabbed his pistol and used it to smack him into the sea.

* * *

"The citizens!" The Empress yelled."Are the citizens ok?"

"Y-yes, your highness." One guard popped up from behind. "Everyone seems to be ok."

"What are you morons doing?" A, not the, well decorated soldier yelled." Get back to the city!"

"Uh, sir, we can't" Another guard popped up."The city is under lockdown, remember?"

"Anyone capable of flight, fly!" The empress ordered.

"Y-your majesty, we can't." Another Another guard popped up." Our wings are soaked."

"Then rinse them off!" Another well decorated soldier yelled.

"The thing is, we can't." A civilian piped up."We're soaked in something not made of ether, and sticky."

The, not A, well decorated soldier nearly dropped his jaw when he saw the orb that was thrown out secreting the sticky ink.

"Where are all of our ships?" The Empress yelled.

"In maximum security." The portmaster answered."As you ordered, your highness."

"Damn." The empress sighed, looking up at the sideways city with an open jaw.

"L-Lady M.."One of the guards from the back started.

A small wave of water came to splash over his mouth.

"One-one person is missing." He finished."It-It's..."

* * *

"You'll do." Four yelled to himself as he spotted a green cerberus-like horse creature that also flew.

And so Four grabbed his sword, held himself against the side, and jumped off of it, simultaneously unsheathing his sword from the ground and holding on to the foot of the creature.

"Now, bring me to my stuff." Four ordered in a really cool (pretend pls) manner, as he got on the back of it.

Of course, somehow, the thing obliged, and headed straight to the cliff where Four stored his stuff.

"Well, if it can't actually be a Kraken, I guess I'll just have to name you 'Kraken'." Four sighed in the middle of the way to his stuff."Now go forth, Kraken!"

Once he got there, without dismounting, he grabbed the actual portal "home", and began to fiddle with its settings.

"Why are you setting it now?" Jones yelled.

"I'm kinda making this up as I go along!" Four yelled back."The original plan was only to steal the core, you know."

Just as he finished the long conversation, Four just decided to screw it and crank the size up to the max and throwing it underneath the city, resulting in a portal as big as the sea the city once called home.

But, just as Four was to make the voyage to blow up the last part of the floatation device, some strange, yellow blast hit Four's ride, causing him to have to tumble back to the city.

Once Four got back up on his feet, who else but Talco to stop his trek to the last part of the flotation ring.

No words were spoken on her side. Just a rise of twin blades.

"Just how I like it." Four responded, splitting his own sword into twin blades.

And so the two got into your typical clash of swords. Except...

"Sloppy footwork." Talco noted her opponent's weak use of it."And weak blows.."

She toppled Four over in a matter of minutes.

"Lead to a poor duelist." She finished.

"Hey. At least I have footwork." Four answered back as he tripped over his opponent's undefended feet, causing the weak glass under her to collapse.

"Tempest Kick Vol. 3." Four yelled." Courtesy of yours truly, Vol. 2 by Davy Jones, and Vol. 1 by who knows!"

Of course, now all of the glass started to collapse around Four, so he had to make a gambit and ran to the side of the escalator things.

And, as his head waved from side to side indicating "Yeah, yeah,", Talco flew her way back into the city and landed right on the platform where Four was.

Talco jabbed. Four blocked. One of them raised another sword at each other, you get the drill.

Until a strange floating cart carrying product happened to come by, and so both decided to capitalize on it and jump on.

The battle raged on as swords clashed, until Talco pushed a sword with great force to Four's neck, giving Four an opportunity to kick her elbow, and kick her second dagger down to the waters.

Four used the opportunity and brought one of his own to her neck. Giving a slight grin and a raised eyebrow, Four began to notice the amassing yellow energy in Talco's off hand.

"You cheated." Four stated.

With some quick thinking, Four grabbed the other of Talco's daggers and brought it to his chest, jumping up. The aftermath of that reaction was that Four was launched near a very conveniently growing vine of some sort, so Four grabbed hold until his travel in the opposite general direction was halted, and so the vine began to swing.

Meanwhile, Talco used this time to grab her fallen dagger and fly up to the highest point in the now sideways city. But not before she saw Four come, swinging on a vine.

Four aimed his pistol right at her right wing, but at the last second, flipped it to its handle facing front, and bonked her at the apex of her wingbones with incredible force so as to break them and Talco's flight.

At the apex of the vine's return swing, Four abandoned Talco's dagger, and used his own to latch on to the vertical floor so as to climb to the new highest point.

Once there, Four took a bit of a breather and ran to the edge of the city, where the last part of the flotation device lay, and planted charges all over it, and the nearby floating houses surrounding it, and the floating islands, just to be safe. 

Just as Four was done planting all of the bombs, his first sight in turning a round was a dagger pointed straight at his face.

"This one doesn't give up." Four sighed, before using on of his own daggers to bugger off Talco's from his face.

Four jabbed. Talco blocked and jabbed back. Four blocked. This went on for some time before a floating house began to float a bit too high, just past Four and Talco's final battle ground.

Talco used the distraction and charged another of her signature yellow hand blast things (Man they should really make a name for these things.) and fired it off to a now fairly distanced Four, who once again stole Talco's dagger and redirected the blast to the largest floating island.

"Man, I wish I had a magic sword." Four sighed.

While Four said this, the blast caused a strangely mobile thing that practically had it's own artillery to basically leap into the air and crash directly into the ever floating house, causing both to crash into the city with force, causing some tip, but more importantly, causing Talco to lose her balance and grab for dear life on an edge, so as to not fall.

Four used this opportunity, discarded his opponent's dagger, sheathed his own, and pointed his pistol at Talco.

"Come on, grab the pistol." Four said, turning it to handle first, and stretching it out to reach her."You can't go where I'm headed. Your people need you."

Talco got the message, and latched on to the pistol..

..And at the last second used her offhand dagger and stabbed Four straight in the chest.

Four, even after, still tried to raise her up, now coughing blood, and succeeded, but Talco just used the opportunity to grab her other dagger and jump off the edge anyway.

Barely breathing, Four sat there, struggling, managing to reach for his pocket for the bomb trigger, and, with his last breath, pulling it, causing the city, the surrounding houses, and the floating islands to all fall into the portal underneath.

Four, now slipping into unconsciousness, fell off the edge and into the portal with his city.

* * *

"And that is my plan to take the core." Four said, bedridden, with bandages covering half of his body.

"And how do you honestly think that would work?" One of the doctors treating him asked.

"Because..."Four started as he looked outside to the massive city he just stole."I already did it."

"I don't get you inklings." The other doctor inquired." Can't you just go into one of those respawn things?"

"Aye, that would be true for anyone else." Four answered. "But I got the lucky birth defect, trading in respawn time for a much more durable body. Everything else is the same."

"What about the scar on your chest?" The first doctor asked.

"It's a magic scar made by a magic sword used by a magic bird." Four sneered. "My normal body doesn't take well to magic being jammed in me. And anyways, I gotta go deal my profits."

And so Four bowed to the men and walked at a nice pace to the outside where his prize awaited.

As he walked over to the now defunct city, he noticed the merchant from before, with his jaw wide open.

"So, how much did you say that tech was worth?" Four said as he patted him on the back.

"Well, considering your medical bill.." The merchant protested,"I don't even have enough money to buy it all."

"Well, let's cut a deal." Four sighed. "You get the entire city for however much you can give me, and the islands, and the houses, but the rest go with me. You know where to send the money and stuff to, right?"

"Why did you choose to sell this to a random bar and store place in the middle of spruce trees and nothing else?" The merchant asked, shaking Four's hand.

"Because I had nowhere else to take it, and you were near." Four answered."I'm pretty new to this. Now, time to go and claim my prize inside the city."

* * *

Once the duo shooed off a strange cloaked person with strange cloak proportions, they climbed the stairs which led up the city, now held down by mere rope.

Once they got in, Four began pointing.

"That's where I was supposed to be hung." Four said, pointing to the gallows in the middle of town.

As they walked through the now dirt particle filled white floors, Four began looking.

"That's where I gave the middle finger to a city." Four pointed to where the floating screens were supposed to be. This gave the merchant bewilderment.

Four kept looking with smug confidence at his newly stolen city, before he remembered something:

"Merchant, come with me here." Four said as he ran off back to the port.

Once he got there, he noticed the destroyed metal door. As he broke in, took a look around quickly, until he found..

"My ship." Four said in awe. "The ship that got me into here in the first place."

Four gazed upon the ship like he would gaze on rum before noticing a massive label on its back.

" _King Kallian's Revenge_?" Four read it aloud."Must be the Empress' Father."

"You met the Empress?" The Merchant inquired.

"Met her?" Four laughed. "I'm the reason she's stuck in a lake."

"You know, this ship is smaller than I thought." The Merchant laughed back.

"Yeah, well it's shaped like a bird and its flotation devices are located on its butt but you don't see me complaining." Four responded. "Now, to the treasury." 

* * *

The Merchant, once at the treasury, could not believe the amount of gold just sitting there. If he didn't know better, he would have done a Scrooge McDuck times 100.

Four, on the other hand, disregarded all this gold, as his small yet powerful knowledge of an economy made him steer instead to the rare artifacts, held in the teleporter right next to the one that led to all the gold.

In in, Four found a very different type of room with a yellow tinge, filled with shelves.

The shelves were lined with various artifacts. Some random swords, a pod, biological samples, a massive arm with a circular chain for a hand, some staffs, ancient tablets, the weirdest diamond shaped chest Four had ever seen, a magical bottle of oil, shiny gems, shiny gems that were hot, and, most strangely...

"AHHH!" Four screamed. "A DEAD GIRL!!"

It looked like it. A girl chained to a wall, outfitted in some sort of blue armor that exposed, well, more than enough, but not enough to get it into borderline porn. 

Four held his hand to her face.

"Robot." Four immediately whispered. He stifled through her not so artificial brownish blondish hair. "The face feels like a different metal than the body, newer even. Probably a sex bot."

And his theory was proven somewhat correct by the boxes of parts and frames near the model, even with velociraptor legs.

"What kind of demented sex doll is this?" Four said with a horrified face.

Four continued on his search for rare artifacts, looking at even more gems, magical dresses, shield spike things, an animal on a stick with an open mouth, sniper rifles, daggers, and a whole pantheon of weaponry.

"What kind of ridiculous person would wear these ridiculous shorts?" Four pointed to a pair of shorts with 5,001 belt handle extruding leather things stripes. It was also near a red hoodie.

Four kept trifling through all of the treasure he now owned, until he noticed a single gem on a pedestal, away from the others, looking exactly the same as any orange gem in the place, with it's caption reading:

"Unbeatable VI?" Four finished. "What on earth?"

Four, after contemplating for a whole .2 seconds, shrugged, and pocketed it because it looked important.

* * *

"All right." The merchant sighed. "That's every last drop of treasure, ship, weaponry, and all other merciless forms of metal out of the hands of the merciless bird people and into your offshore banks."

As the man gave the go for the many, many ships to go into the many, many portals, Four turned his head.

"Can I get some information from you?" Four inquired.

"Not for free." The merchant said merchantly.

"I didn't think so." Four sighed.

He then pulled out what seemed to be a sword handle attached to half a very black and blunt sword. Before Four swung it around and it arose a laser blade.

Four shook it again, the light blade receding, and finally threw it to the merchant.

"I want to know how to open the gate to Hell, and where the safest place to do so is." Four asked.

"I thought so." The merchant sighed. "Come inside and get a drink. We have a lot to discuss."

* * *

Four heartily drank his beer bottle, waved a yo-ho to the merchant and the doctors and the merchant store made of logs, and finally arrived back to the _King Kallian's Revenge_ (Ship names must always be in italics. That's not a story rule that's a general rule for life.), stuffed to the brim with treasure and gold and creepy sex robots.

"Now, bring me to my treasure." Four said, pushing all cylinders and firing his Multiverse Portals.

The merchant, being a merchant, was too busy admiring his new bartered city, to notice that a cloaked figure skewered him with two blades.


	3. Chapter 2: Drunk Woes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music Suggestions:  
> Alestorm's Nancy The Tavern Wench (The chapter takes place in a tavern, is filler, and every woman there is a wench so why not.)

"This was the first tragedy to befall the capital." An Imperial soldier said, holding an image of a strange blonde man with very cool looking golden robes. "As you know, he forced us to evacuate the capital, leaving it in shambles and leading into..."

"The second tragedy to befall the capital." Another Imperial soldier continued, swapping the previous image with one of a massive black creature made of some sort of mist, with an obvious orange core and mouth.

"The Focking." The first Imperial soldier said. Or maybe he said something about fog, I can't tell, they're British.

"It managed to take over and destroy our capital from the inside, and with its armada of creatures, it laid havoc to our capital and all that surrounded it."

"This, of course, is all to set perspective." Both the soldiers said, as they withdrew their pictures and urged the crew to come outside.

A massive team comprised of the aforementioned bird people, strange metal things, round potatoes(?), and what seemed ordinary humans all came about to look at the massive sea, and as the realization of the emptiness of it set in, mouths were taken aback.

"This is the one responsible." The first soldier sighed, holding up the image of Four giving a middle finger. "In the span of one day, this man managed to sneak in to our beloved capital, and take it all right under our noses."

"I suspected that the Focking would not be the end of our woes." The Empress sighed. "I fear I was correct. Harnessing his power to traverse beyond this universe may have been a mistake."

Before anyone could say anything, a blonde, seemingly ordinary looking pale man, wearing a red and blue hoodie with the most "I was created by Tetsuya Nomura" shorts a man could wear, walked up to the ruler.

"Mel.." He said, before a rather powerful wind came and stuck a leaf directly inside his mouth.

After incessant coughing, trying to get said leaf out, the boy said, "This couldn't have been done by one man. Are you sure this was unrelated to the attack on the Expedition?"

"This was done by one Man-fish-thing." A guard popped in from the back." And he did send the city through a portal to escape."

The Empress simply stood there, pondering these answers, until she responded with.

"There's only one place where the survivors of the affair congregate." She inquired. "The remnants of the B*****'s left arm..."

"Mexico." The first guard sighed. "It's a place for scoundrels. N***n drug dealers, remnants of the B****** Order."

"Our first and foremost priority is getting the citizens to safety." The Empress said."I will send the Companions to investigate. I trust she's finished her business by now."

* * *

"First of all, it's Man-cephalopod-thing." Four sighed, drunk and lying down on the _King Kallian's Revenge._ "And who do these people think they are? Their entire godforsaken species are a bunch of angel knockoffs who defy evolution, anatomy, and physics just to shit everywhere, and _I'm_ the weird one?"

After finishing his monologue, Four got up in a haze to find that he was still surrounded by ocean on all sides, kept the ship on autopilot, and grabbed a nearly empty, yet massive, bottle of rum, and drank the rest.

"And yes, I closed the portal once I healed." Four sighed."I'm not a tool."

After this, and sailing/flying for an hour, Four came across a small chain of sand islands surrounding a larger, grass infested, port, the only building there being a wooden bar.

He grinned, climbed up to a spike behind the captain's platform (trust me, this makes more sense if you played the game.), and looked to the horizon as the autopilot brought him to port, eyes everywhere fixed on his ship.

"Welcome to Mexico, Mr. Smiiiii..." The portkeeper, just a normal human in a hat, said to a Mr. Smith before the light of day was cutout by Four's massive ship.

As the _Revenge_ sank to make port, Four jumped out of the hulking beast of a ship to talk to the portkeeper.

"Y-You..." He stuttered. 

"Yes, I robbed the bird people." Four sighed. "Why do you all look surprised, this is the closest port to the place, surely you've thought of it?"

The rest of the men there tried to usher words, but couldn't, from either shock or cut out tongue. Four didn't care. His rum supply was low, and, seeing as he is now rich, saw fit to splurge to commemorate his first victory. He took off to the hulking main building with greed powered haste.

After walking into the beautiful building full of drunk men holding guns and whores aplenty, Four ran towards a door labeled with a cannon, and walked in.

A beautiful sight to behold, Four smelled the smell of gunpowder and steel. Weapons ranging from bayonets to six shooters to assault rifles to laser cannons, to regular cannons. The shop had any weapon you could think up.

Four, reaching the cashier, dropped a massive sack of cosmic doubloons right on the desk, as well as a stupid looking shield pike thing.

"I'd like a few laser cannons, regular cannons, bayonets, six shooters, rifles, a greek flamethrower, a mortar, and some gunpowder. Along with some more of everything." Four asked." Ship's to the far right, it's the fancy one."

After splurging an indescribably small fraction of the wealth he had on his ship, Four went outside to monitor and help out with the storage of his new goodies and getting bored, then hearing about a local delicacy called "Fried Chicken". Having to try it out, Four found the store that sells the stuff, and bought their biggest size.

"What's the point of making the heist of the century if I can't enjoy what I've earned?" Four laughed. 

After heading back to his ship, and seeing that storing isn't even half done, Four sighed and went to the bar for a beer, finding it, getting a rusty mug, and sitting in a booth near some gentlemen.

"Have you heard the rumor goin' round town?" One of them said."Someone's made off with a ship from them Bird People!"

"Oh please, tis probably some rich aristocrat trying to show off." The other gentlemen said. "The bird people aren't real."

"Yes, they are. I've seen their ships." The other other said.

"You've seen a diamond clear ship with more destructive power than an atom bomb, crewed by mystical, cruel, and possibly cannibalistic bird people, ruled by an Empress so evil that both her god and devil rejected her and were also slain by her hand?" The first gentlemen inquired.

"No." The other gentlemen responded. "But I have seen a white ship that's weirdly shaped."

"Because there is no other weirdly shaped white ship than the one more destructive than an atom bomb, nor one crewed by mystical, cruel, and possibly cannibalistic bird people, ruled by an Empress so evil that both her god and devil rejected her and were also slain by her hand?" The first gentlemen sighed.

Realizing that they were talking about him, Four gleefully got up out of his seat, walked up to the two gentlemen, and opened his mouth for air.

"I have." A much more deeper voice than what Four was used to said.

The massive figure in crimson red pirate attire walked up. As Four watched his meticulous mechanical bottom half function, Four went to grab a chair.

Heeding no attention to the two gentlemen, the large pirate grabbed a seat and sat right next to Four.

"The only place you could've got that treasure is straight from the Imperial Capital." The large pirate said to Four."Which means you must've gotten your hands on the core."

"How did you come to that conclusion?" Four made a face at this leap in logic.

"Y'don't look like the type of person who would go there just for treasure." The large pirate sighed."You would have to be a wit to steal that much, and no wit would risk fates which make ya wish for death for treasure."

"Ok, so I'm heading to hell." Four sighed."Gonna gimme a lecture about the horrors there that pale to what I've faced."

"Nah." He chuckled."If you can hold your own against those Bird People, then you're more than a match for the Devil."

"You sure are confident in the strength of a people that I already stole from." Four laughed. "Go ahead writer, try and make them look menacing."

It was at this point where the large pirate took a sharp dive in facial expression.

"An anomaly came up a few QPUs away from here." The large pirate declared."A small crew of navigators come to take a look. They find a whole 'nother universe that popped up out of nowhere, and in it, a massive, beautiful pearl white city, full of exuberant bird people. So we listen to them through a dimensional rift. Plan a heist. We learn of a small expedition using the rift to travel a QPU over. We bring our finest ships, with our finest men, to the scene. Every single one who saw the wonders of the city wanted in on the job. I was the only survivor. The only man to tell the tale."

The large pirate then pointed to his large, mechanical bottom half.

"Three ships we saw. Their flagship, the _King Kallian's Revenge_ , eclipsed half of the fleet we amassed. Half of the men cried and released any manner of body fluid, and jumped out of the ship to an unknown fate. The rest of us weren't even seen until we boarded, and it was a slaughter. Half of us were disarmed by the hour, and one of us was hit with a sword in the chest. The poor lad looked like he was being eaten alive from the inside before he fell off the ship."

Four drew some parallels, and prayed to god.

"The rest of the men, good men, all fought to the bitter end for their lives." The large pirate sighed." Once I and a few others were left, our survival instincts kicked in, and we made an animalistic dash for the ocean for some sort of salvation."

'Y-you know what happens when you fall into water from a height, right?" Four rhetorically said with a smile.

"Yes." The large pirate said solemnly, shutting Four's grin in a second."Better than the horrific fate that befall ye who is captured by those truly evil birds. All managed to save their immortal souls by hitting the water. I wasn't so lucky. It was then that my time to meet Davy Jones came, but an even more eldritch horror face me. Their captain, a tall woman wearing a scarlet dress of sorts, bathed in the blood of good men, Methinks, went out of her quarters, and that's when the very air itself pulled me to her. A rope tied my lower half upside down aboard thin air. It was at that moment I knew what had to be done. I swung the rope pendulum style to no avail, and cut off my own legs to try and make it to the water. It failed, and I bled over the ship. But the devil came to me and said, 'Not today.", so I clinged onto dear life as my conscience waned, and found myself in a spot of land near a portal, then I managed to crawl my way out, waiting for them to leave, before I opened my own and came back here. When the doctors found me, I was thankfully unharmed other than the bottom half of my body being missing."

By the time the story was done, Four just raised an eyebrow.

"Why tell me this?" Four asked/groaned.

"Because you managed to deceive them, not fight. And a fight is coming for you." The large pirate solemnly responded." And these types are the ones to seek revenge. And not stop until it's sated."

Four said nothing but a solemn face. He took off his tattered, but recognizable, yellow coat, and revealed the point where Talco stabbed him, now glowing green.

The large Pirate broke the glass he was holding. The entire bar gazed their eyes on Four.

"Yeah. Clearly haven't been in a fight." Four said, before a searing pain shot through his body.

Four collapsed onto the floor, screaming in indescribable pain, before the pain went as suddenly as it came, along with all of the people who gathered to view his writhing body.

"Mate." The large Pirate said with a look of sorrow and horror."You're cursed."

* * *

As the Companions came to Mexico, a city practically resembling the city Four was currently in, a large portion of the population hid any valuables they had, closed doors and windows. Some even tried to attack the Companions, which, of course, were quickly stopped.

Maxis (I think I can use the name) signaled for the Companions to cover the entrance to the bar, while he and two others went in.

Looking around the strangely quiet bar, Maxis brought out the portfolio The Empress gave him.

"Some folk around here say he is the spirit of the new titan we are on, far bigger than the rest." A large Machinima stared Maxis down.

"I-I heard he's the reincarnated soul of you-know-who, back to haunt us from the grave!" A very anxious Bird Person stuttered, staring down some folk in masks who were staring the lot down.

Brushing off their gaze, Maxis then went to the center bar to get a drink and have a talk with another Bird Person with darker attire.

"And I heard, that he's just a simple pirate from a crew of cowards." The dark attired one said before Maxis could ask, finally meeting eye to not eye.

"You-You're Garlic!" Maxis yelped in surprise."I thought you jumped off a cliff!"

"We're birds, genius." Garfont sighed.

"So then why would you risk showing your face, genius?" Maxis asked.

"Because I was on the crew that first went out to the multiverse." Gengar chuckled." I snuck aboard the _Revenge_ three months before the venture, and passed as one of their crewmates. Once the venture went underway, our first goal was to find new life, and potentially trade and ask for directions. And so we did, a small fleet of ships came across our path, and excited the innocent crew, looking for trade, directions, and stories to hear and tell. But all things weren't meant to last. Half of them jumped out at the very sight of us, and our bulky ships used for trade were too slow to save them. The other half boarded the ship, and our crew with open arms were made with cutlass. Of course, I took out a few, off the books. One sailor tried to use Earth Ether to subdue him, but the man just kept scratching at his skin before he jumped off, along with the rest of the invaders, save for one, who cut himself in half to die after getting caught by that filthy pure blooded advisor."

"You know the Royal Advisor is Half Blooded, right?" Maxis chuckled.

"Hmm. And so she is." Gaelic smirked. "Funny what misinterpretation can do to a man."

"So what's your plan from here, may I ask?" Maxis raised his eyebrow.

"Who knows?" Garfield sighed."Let's just say I'll take from the successful for this one."

**Author's Note:**

> I might need this later, so pretend something important is here.


End file.
